Thursday, November 10, 2011

CJ Reviews - The Snark Handbook: A Reference Guide to Verbal Sparring by Lawrence Dorfman

ISBN #: 978-1602397606
Page Count: 192
Copyright: 2009
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing


Book Summary:
(Taken from Amazon)

It's impossible to go a full day without using snark, so why fight it? Snark is everywhere, from television to movies to everyday life. This lively collection provides hours of entertainment - better than an Etch-A-Sketch, and more fun than Silly Putty! At the heart of it, being in a state of snark can be one of the most useful tools at one's disposal and hence (yes, I used "hence"), a powerful way to get what you want. With snark, you can catch people completely off-guard, and royally piss them off.


CJ's Review:

The Snark Handbook: A Reference Guide to Verbal Sparring by Lawrence Dorfman was both quick and fun to read. I think that everyone uses snarkiness in conversation these days. In case you don't know, snark means: biting wit, smartass remark, slyly disparaging comment or bastardization of.

I was drawn to this book for the simple reason that being snarky is just another way to make people laugh, which I like to do. This is basically a book that leads you through 14 chapters of any kind of condition in life and gives you examples of snarky remarks or situations in which snarkism can be used. The chapters go in this order:
  1. Sex
  2. Relationships
  3. Children
  4. Work
  5. Money and the Economy
  6. Politics and the Media
  7. Drugs, Drinking and the Law
  8. Movies
  9. Television
  10. Literature
  11. Music
  12. Sports
  13. Religion
  14. Death and Dying
What I thought was cool was that you got quotes from plenty of famous people, from Eleanor Roosevelt to Denis Leary, on snarkiness. I laughed so much at this book that I have to give you some examples from it. And they are ...
  • Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 p.m. and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  • I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest. - Steven Pearl
  • My mother never saw the irony of calling me son-of-a-bitch. - Jack Nicholson
Anyway, those are just a few ... if you get the opportunity to read this book, don't let that opportunity pass you by. Very funny read.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Charlene Reviews - An Inconvenient Amish Zombie Left Behind the Da Vinci Diet Code Truth by Tom Smucker

ISBN #: 978-1461177746
Page Count: 344
Copyright: 2011
Publisher: CreateSpace


Synopsis:

Goya? Bad Diets? Mud Hens? The Rapture? The War of 1812? Global Warming? Political Conspiracy? Violence on USA borders? The lost history of Soft Rock?

Follow the non-stop action from the museums and cafes of Paris to the fast food rest stops and motels on the highways of Ohio, as past and future collide to create an apocalyptical present where people from all walks of life are pulled into a conflict that will determine the fate of the planet.


Charlene's Review:

An Inconvenient Amish Zombie Left Behind the Da Vinci Diet Code Truth features many characters of equal importance, all perched at the edge of a world-wide phenomenon. To even attempt to describe this book would take half of the fun out of it. The best I can do is say that it is a tilt-a-whirl of patriotic, religious, pop culture, satirical craziness! Interspersed throughout are historical tidbits, which give this an educational value, but I truly enjoyed it for the intelligence and humor. Mr. Smucker left very few cultural/hot button issues untouched. Confusing, entertaining, educational, and disturbing - what more could you want in a book?? Absolutely its own genre. Loved it!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Book Teaser: Hot Water by Erin Brockovich with CJ Lyons


Below is the first chapter of Erin Brockovich's newest book (released today!!!), Hot Water. Leave me a comment and let me know what you think.  I'll be reviewing soon.  =)


Chapter 1

Summer in the mountains of West Virginia has a magic of its own, like a fairy tale come true. For me, it was a fairy tale paid for with blood.

It was August. After five months back home in Scotia (population 864) I'd just about gotten used to folks looking away from me and mumbling about how I'd gotten the man I loved killed and almost got my dad and son killed and just about drowned the entire valley in toxic sludge.

"That's AJ Palladino," they'd say, crossing to the other side of the street as I passed, in case I rubbed off on them. "Yeah, that AJ Palladino."

I ignored them. Didn't much care what people said about me as long as they didn't take it out on my nine-year-old, David. And, I have to admit, Scotia did treat David like the hero his dad had once been. They embraced him despite his two disabilities (or abilities, depending on your point of view): having cerebral palsy, which left him mostly wheelchair-bound, and being a genius.

Despite how the town's acceptance of him, David still wasn't so sure about Scotia. He was hit hard by the death of his dad. I tried everything, even enrolled him in some online courses. Stuff I didn't understand but he was interested in, like the Phonology of Ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics and Einstein, Oppenheimer, Feynman: Physics in the 20th Century. He'd bury himself in them, working like a fever, finishing a semester's worth of material in a few weeks, and then would promptly slide back into boredom and despair.

Given my family's tendency for obsessions -- addictions, really, holding on too hard, too long -- I was more than a bit worried.

My friend Ty Stillwater, a sheriff's deputy K-9 officer, and his partner, Nikki, a beautiful Belgium Malinois, finally broke David free from his mourning.

Ty somehow found a way to make wheelchair accessible every mountain adventure that a boy could love. He and David would leave at first light and show up again for dinner at my gram's kitchen covered in battle scars. Once, Ty took David rafting down the New River, and they came back half-drowned, sunburned, and sporting matching black eyes that they refused to tell us how they got. They would burst into laughter every time they caught sight of each other.

I loved hearing David laugh but couldn't help but worry each time he left. For too many years I'd raised David alone, and it was difficult getting used to sharing him with others who loved him as much as I did. Not to mention the fact that I was and am a total control freak, especially about David. But I suffered in silence -- David hates it when I try to rein in his independence.

Besides, I was busy enough with work to take my mind mostly off David's scrapes and bruises and poison ivy. My new business partner, Elizabeth Hardy, the legal half of our consumer advocacy firm, turned out to have a gift for negotiation, so our first few cases ended quickly and happily for our clients and were profitable for us. All in all, summer felt enchanted, magical.

Even the weather cooperated. The storm clouds that gathered every afternoon remained empty threats. They'd scowl down at Scotia, then scurry away to dump their rain elsewhere.

But sooner or later, the storm has to break and you're going to get soaked.

Which was how I came to be yelling at the man in the Armani suit.

I knew it was an Armani suit because I'd dealt with enough of them when I'd worked in D.C. Not sure how they did it, but it seemed as if every suit jacket had an attitude sewn into the lining: money can buy anything.

Well, it wasn't buying me.

Elizabeth and I hadn't risked everything -- including our lives -- to start this advocacy firm just to be dictated to by a guy who happened to have enough money to indulge his taste in designer suits.

Armani guy's name was Owen Grandel, and he'd flown all the way up from South Carolina to consult with Elizabeth and me. He was in his late thirties, trim in that personal-trainer executive way, with a shaved head that focused your attention on his dark eyes and spray-tan complexion.

He had not come to Scotia to be abused. Or so his expression informed me without bothering with words.

"We aren't in the business of whitewashing a corporation's dirty laundry," I continued, in the mood for a fight and quite happy that Grandel was obliging.

He said nothing. Simply crossed his arms over his chest, leaned his shoulders back, and smiled. The kind of smile you give a precocious kid who's acting out and you're tolerating his behavior just because you know how wrong he is.

David hates it when I smile at him that way.

Thankfully Elizabeth stepped between us before I tried to wipe that smile off Grandel's face. We were in the living room of her house -- which doubled as our office space -- and she had just brought coffee on a tray. "I'm sorry, Mr. Grandel, we're out of cream. Will milk do?"

I rolled my eyes as she almost curtsied. Then, while Grandel busied himself mixing and stirring his coffee, finally taking a seat in the Queen Anne chair beside the fireplace, Elizabeth glanced over her shoulder at me with a glare that could have sparked tinder.

Play nice, she mouthed at me, as if we're the one making trouble. She sat down across from Grandel, smoothing her skirt and crossing her ankles like a lady before reaching for her own cup of coffee.

This is why I usually let Elizabeth handle the suits. I'm more of a field person -- get me out there with the regular folks and I'll get to the truth of what's what and who's who and figure out a way to fix things. Then it's up to Elizabeth to cross the legal "t's," negotiate a workable solution for all parties, and collect our paycheck.

So far it's been a pretty good system. Until today.

"I'm not sure that you understand exactly what we do, Mr. Grandel." Elizabeth leaned across the table to snag a sugar cube, her sleeve brushing against his knee.

I barely contained my snort. It was very obvious Grandel didn't understand anything except what his money could buy.

"Oh, but I do, Ms. Hardy." He leaned back and crossed his legs, watching her through half-shut eyes.

When I worked in D.C., I knew men like him. Smooth, charming. Sociopaths. Women would fall all over themselves to do whatever they wanted. Poor sad, he had no idea who he was up against. Elizabeth wasn't like that.

"Which is why I'm willing to pay extra. Above your customary fee schedule." With an elegant flourish of his manicured fingers, he slid a check from his pocket and placed it in front of her.

Elizabeth has a pretty good poker face, but I could tell the amount on the check rocked her. She took a sip of coffee and set her cup down beside the check, ignoring it.

"That's half," he persisted when she didn't leap at his offer. "You get the same when you finish."

"And who decides when the job is finished?"

I stepped forward, unwilling to believe she was even considering.

She glared at me and I froze.

"You do, of course." His voice was a low bedroom purr.

Her mouth twisted as she considered. Then she stood in one graceful movement, taking the check with her. "We need to consult about this."

"Of course," he said with a gracious wave of his hand, as if it were his house, not hers. "Take all the time you need."

I know my mouth dropped open because I felt it snap shut again when she took my arm and dragged me out of the room and across the hall to our shared office in what used to be the dining room. She closed the door behind us, then sagged back against it.

"Holy shit, AJ."

The check dropped from  her fingers, flitting through the air on the sultry August breeze wafting in through the open windows, and curled up on the hardwood floor, face down. I picked it up, turned it over.

My face went cold as I read the amount. Counted the zeroes. Five of them. My mind did a back flip -- no, that figure couldn't be right -- then sloshed right side up as I looked again.

Half a million dollars. Which meant a million for the entire job if we took it.

Enough to send David to any college he wanted, to bankroll our company for the next decade, to be able to work on projects that really mattered. Freedom, security, opportunity.

All I'd have to do was betray everything I believed in and let myself be bought.


Author Bios

Erin Brockovich, author of Hot Water, is the real life inspiration behind the Oscar-winning movie that bears her name. Today she continues to perform legal work as a director of environmental research and is involved in consulting on numerous toxic waste investigations. She is active on the motivational speaking circuit, with a thriving lecture series and a television talk show in development. She lives in Los Angeles, California.

CJ Lyons, co-author of Hot Water, is an award-winning medical suspense author of such books as Lifelines, Warning Signs, and Urgent Care. Trained in pediatric emergency medicine, she has assisted police and prosecutors with cases involving child abuse, homicide, and more. She has also worked as a crisis counselor and victim advocate.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Mandy Reviews - American Gangbang: A Love Story by Sam Benjamin

ISBN #: 978-1-4516-2778-7
Page Count: 312
Copyright: 2011
Publisher: Gallery Books


Book Summary:
(Taken from dust jacket)

In 1999, after four years of studying at Brown University, Sam Benjamin heads to California in a twenty-year-old Volvo, dead set on turning himself into an artist, despite his complete lack of talent. There, stoned, he has an epiphany - he will make progressive porn. And so begins his turbulent journey ...

In whip-smart, lyrical prose, Benjamin traces his three-year immersion into the world of Hollywood's bleak, screen-glow-lit doppelganger: the southern California sex industry. His rapid ascent from the dingy storefront rental of a starving artist to the multimillion-dollar Malibu villa of a full-fledged porn producer confronts him with the uncomfortably alluring realities of America's strangest industry: gun-toting actors, high on terrible, drug-induced potency; giggling actresses battling internal demons in wobbly heels and pink fishnets; the insatiable consumer demands to sink ever lower, more exploitative, nastier. The result is the titillating, dramatic chronicle of a young man who invites the deepest, most troubling parts of himself to rise to the surface in order to get a good look at them - only to find that what he sees makes his world seem suddenly very small.


Mandy's Review:

The cover is absolutely gorgeous. I love black and white photographs. The title is cheeky and daring... which I love as well. When I received the book, I was drawn to these two things right away. Then I began to read the reviews printed on the front and back covers. They, along with the summary on the inside flap, gave me high hopes for this book.

I was seriously let down.

I read half of the book and could not bring myself to finish it. Oh, I flipped through the last half hoping to glance upon some morsel or tidbit of literary genius that would make me want to pick up where I left off ... Didn't happen.

The language of the book, which was extremely vulgar in most places, was something I expected to see given the book's topic. Basically, you have a 20-something North Carolinian male just entering California and becoming involved in the porn industry ... Yeah, the writing's going to get raunchy.

The book even held my attention for the first few chapters when he was describing his initial struggle getting started in porn and then finally telling his parents. After awhile though, the author's story just seemed to repeat itself, except in different settings with different people. It was like watching a bunch of porn at once and getting tired of hearing and seeing the same stuff over and over again.

What I was really hoping for, and which I only got a little bit of, was the backgrounds and histories of the women and men who became porn stars. Now, I realize this is a memoir and, therefore, about the author, but the back-stories could've easily been interspersed throughout the book.

I can congratulate anyone who finds a legitimate way to support themselves. I have just found that I cannot always read their memoir.

Sorry Sam.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Mandy Reviews: Ghost Trackers by Jason Hawes & Grant Wilson

ISBN #: 978-1-4516-5117-1
Page Count: 369
Copyright: 2011
Publisher: Gallery Books


Book Summary:
(Taken from back cover)

For fifteen years, Amber, Drew, and Trevor have barely been able to recall - let alone explain - what happened the terrifying night they decided to explore the old, abandoned Lowry House. According to local legend, the house was cursed by a dark past and inhabited by evil. It burst into flames on the night of their visit, leaving the friends traumatized and nearly dead with only vague memories of the frightening events they had witnessed inside. Now, on the eve of their high school reunion, they have gathered to reopen their investigation and figure out, once and for all, what took place that fateful night ... before the supernatural entity they escaped threatens to overtake them again.


Mandy's Review:

Cover

Spooky and mysterious... it's the perfect cover for a ghost story.

Plot

Three friends reunite after 15 years. They go back to their old hometown for their high school reunion. When they first come together, again, they discuss the old days and some of the weirdness they've experienced since that fateful night. They eventually decide to go back to the place of their nightmares to see if they can remember what happened to them.

Main Characters

Drew - Analytical, dependable, has had feelings for Amber since high school.

Trevor - Writer, travels around looking for truly haunted places. He provides the comic relief among his friends.

Amber - Pretty, has mutual feelings for Drew, but she's pretty messed up in the head.

Overall

While I did enjoy this story, I had some issues with it also. Some of the things I enjoyed were:
  • The story flowed reasonably well
  • Easy to read
  • Characters were fleshed out and relatable
Things I didn't care for:
  • Reminded me, in several instances, of Stephen King's It, which is my all-time favorite King novel.
    • Evil presence luring same people back years later for a final showdown
    • Child versions of said people lose their memories of one eventful night, until reunited together again as adults and re-enter the "Bad Place."
  • Ending was too ... soft. I was expecting a huge finale, a major showdown, but all I got was feeling cheated. The whole book built up well towards a huge ending, but the ending was lackluster and disappointing.
I would recommend this book to supernatural book lovers ... just don't have high expectations for the ending.
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